Things that people say when they find out that I make porn

*This picture is taken from the shooting of Doing Elliot by Noel Alejandro

From assuming I’m rich as F* to never-ending high school jokes, here’s a special list of people’s reactions when they hear I film sex for a living.

– You work with porn? This means you film people fucking! That’s like the dream job!

Oh thank you! Now let me show you real quick a photo of me on the day before a shooting, right after my second breakdown, packing 200 kg of equipment and wardrobe while I reviewed the performers’ contracts, conditions and medical exams. Let me also tell you how right after this photo someone called about a problem with the location and we almost lost all the investments we had made… It was like dreaming of happy unicorns!

– You must be rich.

I would really love this to be true. Just a little bit. Just for one day! Actually, nowadays it’s already a big deal to make a living out of erotic movies – and I do, so can’t complain. But the truth is that there is a saturation in the market. This means that, in order to actually profit from it, you really have to make something different. If I’m rich? Nops. But my films guarantee that I pay my bills and yet manage to have enough to fund my next films. And I’m pretty happy about that.

– Can I watch a shooting? I’m sure the actors won’t care, since they’re used to it.

The most asked question by far! If I’d say yes to everyone I’d might just go shoot at a soccer stadium or something. But the answer is no, you can’t come to the shooting, simply because your presence would jeopardize the intimacy and the reliance between cast and crew. Everyone who’s on set is working, focused in doing their best, and actors are in a specially vulnerable place during the sex scenes. I would hate for them to feel uncomfortable or insecure, with random unknown eyes on them at all times. The atmosphere on set must be as professional and relaxed as possible, and that’s my priority in every new shooting.

– Do you get sexually aroused during the shootings?

If this was a raking this question would be 2nd for sure. And I actually enjoy answering to it as I feel it comes from an honest curiosity about the pornmaker work. People tend to create this fantastic spectrum about the sex world, and for some reason they end up thinking that we are all crazy lascivious sex animals who are always horny and who would have boners for breakfast. This must explain why some people seem disappointed when I tell them no, of course I don’t feel aroused by the sex scene I’m shooting! I am doing my job here, my mind is under a ton of responsibilities, and I’m fully focused in the aesthetic and narrative aspects of what I’m seeing. It just doesn’t have to do with if it turns me on or not. I can consider a scene good or bad, but that’s always about its cinematic quality, nothing else.

– Limitless jokes.

So there was this time when me and the crew went to visit a location for a film we were working on. There was a divan in the room and we were brainstorming ways in which the actors could use it to have sex. Suddenly, someone (who were not from the crew) had an idea and decided to “act” on it: he got into doggy position, butt up in the air, and started to make in-and-out-movements along with the most absurd supposedly-sexy facial expressions I’ve ever saw. I was both amazed and terrified by the scene, but then everyone else started cracking up and I knew I should too. It was funny in a way, but at the same time it felt as he was mocking our work. That’s a very frequent feeling you have when you work as pornmaker (that people are mocking your work). Because there you are, thinking how to make the most out of a particular scenario, but someone you end up having to deal with high school jokes that keep coming at all times. It’s just tiring.

– Is it true that actors’ are constantly taking Viagra to guarantee their erections?

I don’t really feel entitled to give a general answer to this as I ran a small, independent production studio and my previous experience as Assistant Director of awarded feminist erotic filmmaker Erika Lust was also in an indie, alternative environment, so no idea if mainstream porn performers rely on viagra to do their scenes. But speaking from the alternative production, that’s not true at all! The “getting up” moment of a male actor depends basically on his abilities as a professional, and in how concentrated and comfortable he feels on set. If and when the conditions aren’t perfect, or the actor is nervous or insecure, we just work things around so the nervousness goes away and he’s again motivated and inspired.

– I have a great suggestion for your next film’s title: Edwards Penishands

Best part of being an erotic films director is definitely asking your friend’s opinions on which title you should use on your films. It’s almost like breaking into an alcohol-free party with a tray of jello shots. They’ve been waiting for this for ages! They have so much creativity! The redemption has started, the sleeping monster is awaken and he’s ready to rise and shine. And then it comes: You Got Male, The Bone Ranger, A Beautiful Behind… and you feel like killing yourself. Don’t get me wrong, those names are GRRREAT, but why god why does it always have to be a bad pun. Come on everyone, we’re trying to make some really nice cinematic porno here. Lock your huge list of stereotyped porn titles on your drawer and join the party with some real inspiration. Winner gets a jello shot!

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